I’ve never been an angry person! Did I really just say that? Did I really just think that? How could I possibly have done that?! Where is this anger coming from, we wonder. I’ll be the first to admit that seeing the of ugliness of our sinful thoughts, actions, and reactions, can be incredibly discouraging and unsettling. Though at first we might blame our circumstances, over time, we’re faced with the reality that our trials are not the cause of our sin, but the magnifier of what was already there. But when trials start to press in on us, sinful responses are often not far behind.
The reality is, we tend feel pretty good about ourselves when nothing is pushing our buttons or threatening our comfort and control. Though it’s been painful, I can see his loving hand behind it. I can now see how in that moment, God was graciously allowing the pressure of my circumstances to break through my human resolve and natural tendency to use my pain as an excuse for my response. However, what struck me recently is that the painful circumstances we face aren’t only painful because of the trials themselves, but because suffering draws our sin to the surface and intensifies our internal battle as well.Īs I’ve prayed about and considered what broke in me that particular day, I’ve realized that it was not as much the pain of my son’s struggle, but the horror of seeing the ugliness of my sinful heart. This is one of the many crosses that I’ve been given to carry and no one can fully understand the weight of it but Christ.
It’s impossible to explain all that brought me to this point, and even if I could, it wouldn’t necessarily be beneficial – because the circumstances aren’t the point. I walked out of my son’s room after a long, exhausting struggle with him, scared by the anger and impatience that his special needs had suddenly provoked in me. A few weeks before last Easter, something snapped in me and let me assure you, it wasn’t pretty.
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